Today I needed to leave my dog, Sophie, alone at home.
I stopped by the end of the building stairs and listened to her crying and howling. I just stood there while my heart shrinked and the rest of my day got ruined.
I could go back upstairs and command her to be quite but I didn't. In that moment I thought she should learn how to deal with being alone. Don't worry, all my neighbors are right now on holidays so this training isn't hurting anyone.
In reality Sophie is never alone. Most of the days she stays with other people/dogs while I'm going to work. She has a more social active life then me most of the week days. Even when she stays at home, she will never be alone because I do have a cat and they love each other and play together ALL day.
So why I feel guilty?
Very simple, things never go as planned. In my mind and on my lists I have everything lined but I rarely have time or energy to finish all of them.
So today was another example of under accomplishment. I should have wake up at 5am and go with her for a run. The goal was to leave her exhausted.
It didn't happen (of course) and I woke up at 7h. (I must had a little detail that yesterday we went for a 2 hour run in the morning and to a afternoon hike.)
This fact that I didn't manage to get up to take my dog for a run set up right away the mood of the day. How come I wasn't able to sacrifice my extra hours of sleep for her? Why?
Most of the times I find myself thinking that if I was alone with her and I didn't have a good network I wouldn't be able to give her a good life on the daily basis because I would be too lazy.
I find myself thinking that I should never have a dog while being single (when I got her I was in a relationship).
I find myself thinking that I will not be able to handle the pressure.
I find myself thinking that I'm a terrible dog owner.
I find myself thinking that everyone judges me for my bad decisions.
These are all thoughts that hurt me.
I was used to feel incompetent sometimes at work, maybe sometimes in social life but it gets serious when we are talking about a living being. A living being that you choose to have.
This feeling that I have that tells me that everything I do will never be enough increases my already high anxiety levels. Not only in the reality that I live but I can even make it harder to myself and mirror this feelings to possible future events. Like for example.... maternity.
I think that "Fear" and "Doubt" can be great to help make decisions. Sometimes, we need to admit to ourselves that we are really not able to do certain things and face reality with no filters. But sometimes we just have these feelings in a very sadistic way where we let our low self-esteem stand out and increase our anxiety and decrease own worth.
In my case... I had dogs all my life and I know how great I am with dogs. I'm a dog person and I know that I do EVERYTHING for Sophie. She is always my biggest priority.
When the fear of being a bad mother comes up I know I'm great with kids. I babysited for years and years children of all ages.
Why I'm making myself worried by something that I know I'm good at?
I don't really know the answer to this question. I'm not even great in controlling my own non logical feelings. But I know that I shouldn't feel like this and I should hug myself and move one.
Anyway, I'm going to go out of work and run home and spend time with my lonely, miserable, sad puppy.